October 19, 2020 thoughts

I would say this is an actual bad day that everyones goes through from time to time. The thought of doing work is just a pain and my head is not wanting to think hard about recent priorities. I just wrote to let things out. There isn’t a helpful thought that can be listened to here. It’s just pure rant and thoughts about the recent events in work and family side.

It’s just frustrating how I allow people to gaslight me. I want to be the rock but it seems that I often get rocked by flurries. I momentarily observe how I am still at this very moment while feeling the numbness of my cheeks because of cranberry vodka that’s supposedly for my mom; I mean I think this is a good occasion to have a drink even if I’m just on my own.

I’m also listening to Metric Fantasies album. Awhile ago, I listened to Radiohead’s Ok computer and it didn’t feel as special as when I played it the first or when I listened to it again after a long time. But still, the instrumentation and lyrics themselves prove how ecstatic this band was during the 90s. It’s like a record beyond the 2000s but it was actually released on 1999 which was pretty surprising. To be honest, I have heard and appreciated first the Bloc party Album, Silent alarm ahead of Ok computer, which was pretty weird since the former went out to release later and I could draw comparisons to both their music.

After I took a swig from the vodka bottle, I just banged my shin underneath the table’s protruding edge and it gave me a little pain. I ribbed my face with my fingers to scratch the itch caused of the allergic reaction to alcohol. I also scratch my back and felt synthetic string of my rosary. It reminded me of the church in Bacolod and how I messed up my life by look outward and not seeing the good things presented in front right before my eyes. Just like what Metric says in their lyrics, “is it ever gonna be enough?”.

My swelling because of alcohol is getting more intense as I feel it’s in my fingers, palms, forearms, shoulders, and almost my whole body. Now my testicles feels some numbness after comfortably sitting here for more than an hour and contemplating how death actually feels and how it could set me free. Like a plant that doesn’t have stimulation except the feeling of getting struck by the wind, warmness of sun and being planted steady and still in the cold loam soil.

I resented a lot of people today: my wife, officemates, my sisters and the bank teller who refused for me to open an account even though there is already a letter of endorsement and photocopy of my passport.

Just want to relax my mind and forget about all troubles everywhere I sense.

I suddenly thought of instant noodles and wondered whether the stores are still open. It gave a watery effect inside my mouth thinking about spicy flavor even though I have butt sore. It’s so nice, how these cold weather is accompanying me regardless of which circumstance I’m currently in. I might actually go out and find a convenience store that sells those instant noodles. I think it will give me strength to hold on.